A thank-you letter from me to a photographer for a recent shoot I modeled on.
Many thanks to you and your team for a great shoot last week. I had an enjoyable time despite being released one hour in for my “creepy lazy eye.” The bagels were bomb.
Your producer, Lisa, apologized profusely and suggested that I get my “thingy” fixed if I wanted to book more jobs in the future. “Disfigurements aren’t BAD, but they’re always taken into account during casting, you know?” When I left, you were busy discussing with your assistant where to put your kneeling pad, but I wanted to say I fully understand why my eye would’ve been a blaring sore for your office stock photography. Everyone’s there looking sleek, clustered in a group, arms folded, leaning toward the camera and smirking, “Yes, we ARE youth and success.” And there’s the wonky-eyed brown girl in the background, killing the buzz.
I do hope you’ll reconsider working with me on future shoots, as I’m getting vision therapy to hopefully rid myself of the lop-eye. If that doesn’t work, I can get surgery or wear special glasses to hide the monstrosity. I’ll drop like three to four grand, but it’s totally worth it if I can just book again with you and upgrade to “cute-but-not-skinny-enough-to-be-hot, ethnically ambiguous, late 20-something.” And everyone who’s always told me, “You should fix it, you’re soooo pretty” and “oh, it’s not even noticeable” will sigh with relief.
Because apparently us cockeyeds really freak people out. And we can’t fall in love or go through the human experience like all you forward-facers. Although for some strange reason, I appear to be a sought after hottie as evidenced by my THIRTY-NINE tinder matches. In PMs there, my face has been described as “gorgeous” and “too cute.” One match went even further, describing my eye in particular as “endearing” and “soooo hot, bb.”
I know it feels awkward to some people to have to look at my face and think, “Is she looking at me or over there? Wow it wanders so much. Which eye should I look at? Jesus, she’s like one huge wandering eyeball.” Nobody should have to go through that, and you have my sincere apologies. In fact, if you like, I can take a melon baller and just scoop my entire eye out along with my faulty optic nerve and serve it to you on a platter. Perhaps that would be best.
Thanks again for your time. Looking forward to future collaboration!